just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
