I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
