But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
