So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
