She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
