even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
