I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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