i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Actions speak louder than pants.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
