it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
