he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
