dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
