If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
