Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize