this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
