fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
