she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm bleeding and have questions
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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