i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
