All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
