woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
A+ Viking dick
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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