what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
