I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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