Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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