im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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