So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.