It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
