i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
