Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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