Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Drunk is not a location!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
