I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
