I will die if light touches me.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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