Your face is a jimmy john
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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