I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
