They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.