i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
