So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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