just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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