My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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