I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
