awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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