marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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