we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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