I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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