just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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