My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
