I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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