If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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