I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
