Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
