I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
