I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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