apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
