So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
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I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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