can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
