She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize