I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
